“Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.” - Tradition One
Today I attended a Group Conscious Meeting in Alanon to discuss whether we would keep our current schedule of doing meetings on each Tradition on the fourth Thursday of each month. Some of our members didn't like that we spent so much time talking about the Traditions, and so they did what they felt was best for the group and voiced their worries. The group then called a session together to talk about what we were going to do about these meetings and then vote on what would be done, so that we could better help our group find wholeness on the topic.
As someone who comes from a non-functional family myself where people were expected to either dominate the discussions or play the role of the shrinking wallflower that retires to the corner and to whom others refuse to listen, it's rather eye-opening to see that every voice counts in Alanon and that through discussing our differences we can reach a better understanding with each other. This is true democracy for me and true recovery from a life where I felt I needed to voice my opinion in an over-the-top aggressive fashion or keep my mouth shut as to not get in trouble for expressing myself.
It is often said in Alanon that we are only as sick as our secrets. If something is buried inside you that keeps you from uniting fully with others in your group, whatever it is needs to be talked about because it is the only way to strengthen that bond. I often talk about things buried under the surface and the damage they can do. This damage is not limited to yourself and your own psyche. Like termites eating away at the foundation of a home, these buried feelings that keep you isolated and separated will only erode your relationship further if you give them room to grow.
If we hold back our opinions, we may in fact be hurting the group. We set ourselves a part when we do this, keep secrets that may destroy unity and shut down, depriving those in our group of our experience and wisdom. This does not mean that everyone has to agree with us though, because that's not the way that life works or the way that any group should ever be run. Domination by one part of the whole is always bad, whether it's done by us or by others. No one voice is more important than any other in any functioning, thriving group.
Unity does not mean not having our own opinions, nor does it mean conformity, because that would keep us from growing in the areas of resolving conflicts and individuality. It would also keep others from benefiting from listening to opinions that are different from their own, and the possibility that you might voice something that they were afraid to share themselves. Unity does however, mean finding the right way to debate these topics when they arise. It means talking about our points clearly and without gossip or criticism. It means sitting down and reaching a compromise, even if that compromise is only that we agree to disagree. Only in that way can we find the courage to say what is in our minds and hearts.
We are all equals, all coming into the group for the same purposes. In Alanon, this is our shared recovery. The groups help us to recovery, and we in turn protect the group so that the next newcomer can benefit in the same way that we have before. We keep to the designated reading lists, steps and traditions that have long stood the test of time because if we lose this structure we may very well lose our chance for recovery. Protecting the group and the group's purpose is the only way that we'll survive and the only way that our community will survive.
In a relationship or friendship, we come together to share and grow in the same way. We may not be focused on recovery, but we are still focused on finding the joy in life and in developing ourselves through our interpersonal connections. We can not be selfish in this connection, for that will hurt the group and therefore boomerang and hurt us. So often we get bogged down in selfishness and self-centered that we forget that we are only a part of the whole. By damaging the whole with our own private agendas, we also damage ourselves.
If I want to help myself, the best way I can do this is by contributing to the peace and serenity of the groups in my life, those that seek to uphold me. These groups will carry us to safety from the rough oceans and high seas we may otherwise drown in; that is, providing I don't put a hole in the boat. Any dissension in the ranks due to selfishness, self-centered or a character defect left unchecked could sink not only myself, but others in the group and the group as a whole.
It is up to each of us to foster this unity and to protect the group and each other. This is our responsibility, and the way we give back for the many gifts we receive in return. It is all about balance. When we are selfish and believe that things are all about me, me, me then we fall out of balance and forget about the we, we, we of unity.
In my own family while growing up, it usually boiled down to the question of what can you do for me, instead of what can I do for my family. President Kennedy said it best when he addressed the country in his inaugural speech back in 1961, “ask not what your country can do for you rather what you can do for your country”. The country was in desperate times, but it was not the time to put ourselves first, but instead a time when banning together with a common goal would get us all farther in the long run. How often have we all seen groups fall apart because we forget that we are stronger when we act as a team?
In my need to look after myself, since I have often felt that no one else would do that, I often isolate myself from certain groups I'm a part of and take care of my own priorities first. I forget that there is strength in numbers. Instead of experiencing sanity or growth from going out on my own though, I become disconnected, angry and destructive of the chain that links me to my community. I forget to listen, forget to share and sometimes even forget how to tolerate them altogether. We are not islands onto ourselves, but we can make ourselves out to be if we try hard enough. One of my teachers used to say it took a certain kind of determination to fail a class, and I believe it is this same determination that can cause us to fail ourselves and our communities.
The biggest thing I take away from my studying of Tradition One is the question of whether or not I want to be a part of the groups and communities in my life. If I agree that they match my goals, interests and desires for my self growth, then I need to get out of my own way and help that group thrive. The singular person will never thrive if the group itself does not thrive. If I want to be a part of the group, then it is time to pick up an oar and start rowing, because we're all in the same boat and if we work together instead of against each other we will reach the safety of land in a safer, saner and quicker fashion.
If the answer is no, I do not wish to be a part of the group, then it is my responsibility to leave. If I don't believe that the group works for me, then my presence there holds me back from where I truly could be growing and it also impedes the growth of others who may feel that the group really is for them.
Thinking back to Alanon and the Group Conscious Meeting, I find it almost strange to see that there is someplace where everyone gets to say what they feel. It is overwhelmingly comforting that all opinions and voices are given the same amount of attention and care. It's why I stay in Alanon, why I come back week after week: to share, to listen, to grow. I'm happy to say that we will be keeping our Tradition meetings in our group, and we even talked the few who were unsure of whether they wanted to keep them into our unanimous decision. After some discussion, we all came to agree that the Traditions had to offer us something very important: a base outline that will serve to teach us how to have better interpersonal relationships and grow as a community. With a strong community, we can become strong individuals. United we stand; divided we fall.
No comments:
Post a Comment