Right Thoughts Follow Right Action

Gratitude used to be something that I thought of passively. I knew when I was thankful for someone or something, because I would just feel it in my heart. I would have to wait for those moments though, the ones that caught me by surprise and made my passive life much more enjoyable.

I have since tried to become much more pro-active in finding the joy in life. Abraham Lincoln said, “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” This is a much more involving way of looking at gratitude. The process of finding something to be thankful about in life every day can be very hard at first. Eventually, it does get easier, or so I'm told.

When I get caught up in my own depression and anxiety, it seems I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's how it was when I was a child. There was always some form of chaos in the house, something that I would have to hide from or defend myself against. Two of the signs of post-traumatic stress disorder are hyper-awareness (being preoccupied with studying the environment for possible threats) and hyper-arousal (a chronic state of fight or flight complete with the tension that goes along with that). I have those things in spades. It's hard to have gratitude when you always think that something bad is going to happen and you're always preparing for the worst possible outcome.

When I grew up and got out of my alcoholic childhood home though, it was up to me to find both a safe place to reside and the gratitude that had gone missing in the chaos. It was up to me to build the kind of life that I could be happy with and to be happy with a life that strives for progress and not perfection. There must be action behind my complaints if I am to make them. I can't be one of the people who doesn't vote in life but complains about who wins the elections.

At the moment, I'm stuck with trying to find the good in many of the things that have happened to me. There has been so much bad in the past few years that it's easy to just choke on it until I can't breathe anymore-- but there have also been wonderful times of joy. I was able to get out of an abusive relationship because my friends graciously offered me a room in their apartment when I finally asked. There have been people standing by my side through court appointments, scary doctor visits and trips to the very confusing accountant. I have a roof over my head, a bed of my own, food in my stomach and for the first time since I was ten I'm living in a home where there is no violence. No matter what happens, I have those things to be grateful for and I must start remembering them and actively seeking out the rest of the pieces to fit the puzzle of my life.

Not So Easy As One, Two, Three

As someone coming back into the rooms of Alanon after a long absence, I'm trying to ascertain where I am in regards to the steps and what progress I need to make. I'm an old-timer and have been in and out of the program for a decade now, but I keep coming back to the first couple of steps. I've worked them them so many times but I still feel like a complete beginner at times.

Step One brought me to Alanon, when I knew deep in my soul that my life was unmanageable. I had tried in the past to stop my family from falling apart due to alcoholism but in the end all of my qualifiers died. I lost my sister, father and mother all to alcoholism so I realize there's nothing I can do. It's too late to do anything. I've watched the fallout and by now I know I can't control it and I didn't cause it, but sometimes I feel like I should have been enough to cure it somehow.

I think it goes into Survivor's Guilt a bit for me. I'm the only one to have survived my family situation without dying (though, I have one more sister who is still alive but she's on her last legs with a cocaine addiction). I know it was Alanon that saved me over the past decade or so, watching everyone die but knowing that I just had to work my program. I abused alcohol a little, as it ran so deeply in my family, but never went as far as to get an addiction. Step One remains confusing to me, since I have these visions of me saving everyone. My father had a cabin up in the woods and I keep saying that I should have kidnapped my sister, brought her there and refused to leave until she got sober. I know it's silly, but I still think I could have helped in some way.

I know I have Step Two down, because I truly believe that the program can restore me to sanity. Though, when my "friends" start talking about how I've come from an insane background so I'm always going to be crazy, sometimes that step gets a bit hard for me. I've really latched onto the program lately, because I really want it to work and need it to work as a lot of things have been brought up for me lately that keep trying to drag me back to the world of the insane.

Step Three is pretty easy for me at the moment. I'm not doing much with my life right now, so I feel like maybe my Higher Power will run it better than I can. Though, when I get hints and signs of what I should do I usually just say its too much work. I often forget to use the program when I'm in the middle of a problem because I just want to stay in my little bubble of depression. My Higher Power can be screaming at times, but I just tune it out and stay with the thoughts that make me miserable.

I'm attempting to find a sponsor, something I've never done in all my years of program. I had a sponsor for a day once, but I couldn't find the strength to pick up the phone and actually call them. Now though, I'm ready to work the full program. I'm ready to work the steps. I'm ready to climb the mountain to the top. I have to start somewhere and these first few steps are my jumping off point. I keep reminding myself that it's progress and not perfection, but each step seems so nuanced that it's hard to know if I comprehend it in my heart or just understand it in my head. The latter is more easier; the former will take a lot of work and faith.

Safety Found In Anonymity

I've started doing a 90-in-90 again. The last time I tried doing 90 meetings in 90 days, something miraculous happened and I was able to find the courage to get out of an abusive relationship. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, both in and out of the program, who've given me a place to stay, food when I was hungry, ears to listen to me and shoulders for me to cry on. My Higher Power continues to bless me every day with this program.

One of the meetings I attended today was on the idea of Alanon being a safe place when our lives get chaotic, and how there is so much safety in the rooms and member to member. I'm finding this to be very true.

For the two years when I lived with my ex, I was not allowed to talk about certain topics because I knew they would set him off. He would scream at me, punch holes in the walls or tell me I was worthless. He also told me not to talk to anyone about what went on inside the house. "Mutual friends" also said they didn't want to hear it or said I was lying when I even had photographic proof of the abuse that was going on. I just had to shut my mouth and keep the peace. And I did that for so long I stopped talking to anyone. I felt really alone at the time, just very scared and very alone.

Then I moved a couple of states away, and eventually wound up back in the program and all these things started pouring out of my mouth. I couldn't keep them bottled up anymore-- and the amazing thing about the program was that I didn't have to anymore. I could talk as long as I wanted (even if it was after the meeting if my sharings ran too long). I was encouraged, hugged and shown such love and patience that my hungry soul had been lacking for so long. I have started to feel safe again. For once, kind people like my home group, listened and didn't tell me I was lying and didn't tell me they didn't want to hear it or to "just shut up already". They just let me share while they listened. I've heard it said that all anyone really wants is someone to be a witness to their life. Alanon is the witness to my own.

Other than trusting me to tell my personal story my way and encouraging me to do so, I also have the added benefit of anonymity. As such, I don't have to worry about anything I have said in the rooms or member-to-member getting around the social circle, or back to my ex. The Twelfth Tradition states that, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.” This allows me to feel safe again and has begun to make me start trusting people again.

It's like I'm finally coming clean and replacing my ex's brainwashing with a program of my own making and choosing. There is such great healing and truth in these rooms.