As someone coming back into the rooms of Alanon after a long absence, I'm trying to ascertain where I am in regards to the steps and what progress I need to make. I'm an old-timer and have been in and out of the program for a decade now, but I keep coming back to the first couple of steps. I've worked them them so many times but I still feel like a complete beginner at times.
Step One brought me to Alanon, when I knew deep in my soul that my life was unmanageable. I had tried in the past to stop my family from falling apart due to alcoholism but in the end all of my qualifiers died. I lost my sister, father and mother all to alcoholism so I realize there's nothing I can do. It's too late to do anything. I've watched the fallout and by now I know I can't control it and I didn't cause it, but sometimes I feel like I should have been enough to cure it somehow.
I think it goes into Survivor's Guilt a bit for me. I'm the only one to have survived my family situation without dying (though, I have one more sister who is still alive but she's on her last legs with a cocaine addiction). I know it was Alanon that saved me over the past decade or so, watching everyone die but knowing that I just had to work my program. I abused alcohol a little, as it ran so deeply in my family, but never went as far as to get an addiction. Step One remains confusing to me, since I have these visions of me saving everyone. My father had a cabin up in the woods and I keep saying that I should have kidnapped my sister, brought her there and refused to leave until she got sober. I know it's silly, but I still think I could have helped in some way.
I know I have Step Two down, because I truly believe that the program can restore me to sanity. Though, when my "friends" start talking about how I've come from an insane background so I'm always going to be crazy, sometimes that step gets a bit hard for me. I've really latched onto the program lately, because I really want it to work and need it to work as a lot of things have been brought up for me lately that keep trying to drag me back to the world of the insane.
Step Three is pretty easy for me at the moment. I'm not doing much with my life right now, so I feel like maybe my Higher Power will run it better than I can. Though, when I get hints and signs of what I should do I usually just say its too much work. I often forget to use the program when I'm in the middle of a problem because I just want to stay in my little bubble of depression. My Higher Power can be screaming at times, but I just tune it out and stay with the thoughts that make me miserable.
I'm attempting to find a sponsor, something I've never done in all my years of program. I had a sponsor for a day once, but I couldn't find the strength to pick up the phone and actually call them. Now though, I'm ready to work the full program. I'm ready to work the steps. I'm ready to climb the mountain to the top. I have to start somewhere and these first few steps are my jumping off point. I keep reminding myself that it's progress and not perfection, but each step seems so nuanced that it's hard to know if I comprehend it in my heart or just understand it in my head. The latter is more easier; the former will take a lot of work and faith.
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