Gratitude used to be something that I thought of passively. I knew when I was thankful for someone or something, because I would just feel it in my heart. I would have to wait for those moments though, the ones that caught me by surprise and made my passive life much more enjoyable.
I have since tried to become much more pro-active in finding the joy in life. Abraham Lincoln said, “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” This is a much more involving way of looking at gratitude. The process of finding something to be thankful about in life every day can be very hard at first. Eventually, it does get easier, or so I'm told.
When I get caught up in my own depression and anxiety, it seems I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's how it was when I was a child. There was always some form of chaos in the house, something that I would have to hide from or defend myself against. Two of the signs of post-traumatic stress disorder are hyper-awareness (being preoccupied with studying the environment for possible threats) and hyper-arousal (a chronic state of fight or flight complete with the tension that goes along with that). I have those things in spades. It's hard to have gratitude when you always think that something bad is going to happen and you're always preparing for the worst possible outcome.
When I grew up and got out of my alcoholic childhood home though, it was up to me to find both a safe place to reside and the gratitude that had gone missing in the chaos. It was up to me to build the kind of life that I could be happy with and to be happy with a life that strives for progress and not perfection. There must be action behind my complaints if I am to make them. I can't be one of the people who doesn't vote in life but complains about who wins the elections.
At the moment, I'm stuck with trying to find the good in many of the things that have happened to me. There has been so much bad in the past few years that it's easy to just choke on it until I can't breathe anymore-- but there have also been wonderful times of joy. I was able to get out of an abusive relationship because my friends graciously offered me a room in their apartment when I finally asked. There have been people standing by my side through court appointments, scary doctor visits and trips to the very confusing accountant. I have a roof over my head, a bed of my own, food in my stomach and for the first time since I was ten I'm living in a home where there is no violence. No matter what happens, I have those things to be grateful for and I must start remembering them and actively seeking out the rest of the pieces to fit the puzzle of my life.
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