Safety Found In Anonymity

I've started doing a 90-in-90 again. The last time I tried doing 90 meetings in 90 days, something miraculous happened and I was able to find the courage to get out of an abusive relationship. I have been blessed with wonderful friends, both in and out of the program, who've given me a place to stay, food when I was hungry, ears to listen to me and shoulders for me to cry on. My Higher Power continues to bless me every day with this program.

One of the meetings I attended today was on the idea of Alanon being a safe place when our lives get chaotic, and how there is so much safety in the rooms and member to member. I'm finding this to be very true.

For the two years when I lived with my ex, I was not allowed to talk about certain topics because I knew they would set him off. He would scream at me, punch holes in the walls or tell me I was worthless. He also told me not to talk to anyone about what went on inside the house. "Mutual friends" also said they didn't want to hear it or said I was lying when I even had photographic proof of the abuse that was going on. I just had to shut my mouth and keep the peace. And I did that for so long I stopped talking to anyone. I felt really alone at the time, just very scared and very alone.

Then I moved a couple of states away, and eventually wound up back in the program and all these things started pouring out of my mouth. I couldn't keep them bottled up anymore-- and the amazing thing about the program was that I didn't have to anymore. I could talk as long as I wanted (even if it was after the meeting if my sharings ran too long). I was encouraged, hugged and shown such love and patience that my hungry soul had been lacking for so long. I have started to feel safe again. For once, kind people like my home group, listened and didn't tell me I was lying and didn't tell me they didn't want to hear it or to "just shut up already". They just let me share while they listened. I've heard it said that all anyone really wants is someone to be a witness to their life. Alanon is the witness to my own.

Other than trusting me to tell my personal story my way and encouraging me to do so, I also have the added benefit of anonymity. As such, I don't have to worry about anything I have said in the rooms or member-to-member getting around the social circle, or back to my ex. The Twelfth Tradition states that, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.” This allows me to feel safe again and has begun to make me start trusting people again.

It's like I'm finally coming clean and replacing my ex's brainwashing with a program of my own making and choosing. There is such great healing and truth in these rooms.